I'm just really sad and hurting today. There's so many reasons why, and there's so much going on...and, well, I'm just really sad.
It hurts to be left out...intentionally. It is devastating to be hurt....intentionally. I don't even know a word for how it feels when you go to bed, and tell the back that is facing you that you love it, and it doesn't say anything back. Is there a word for that?
I WILL get through this day. I WILL get through this. I WILL. I WILL go to the store, and I WILL create. I WILL prevail. I WILL continue to love. I WILL continue to smile. I WILL continue to be me...I WILL NOT let my light be hidden under a bushel, NO! I WILL keep trekking day in and day out, with a smile on my face, with love in my heart. I WILL.
I need prayers, and I can tell you specifically what I need right now.
1. I need for the "I love you's" to seep through that wall, and into his heart. (I know he has one.)
2. I need to be able to withstand these days right now, with a smile on my face, so that it, too, can get through that wall, and into his heart.
3. I need the negative people in his life to stop feeding him negativity. This is a hard one, folks. Next to impossible, but we can pray, because our God can do impossible things.
4. I need a job. I've applied for a position that would be GREAT for me...and for some reason, just like i did with AVR, in my gut, I feel like this job will be mine in the long run. Don't know why...just a hunch, and a lot of prayer. So, please pray that if not this job, there will be another that will be perfect for me. Without a job, everything in my life is going to continue to be rotten.
5. Pray for his heart. Pray for his attitude. Pray for the love to come back, and the hatred to go away. Pray for softness, for the hardness to disappear. Pray for an open mind anad an open heart.
6. It's possible that I will either a: need a place to live, or b: need a roommate (which again means I would need a place to live.) I have places to go, but I mean, my own place to live. Like I said, this is just *possible*, and hopefully, with all these other prayers, this will be one I don't need.
7. Again, I need prayers. I have to smile, I have to love, I have to take the hurt and not show that it hurt. I have to function, and that's hard right now. I need to breathe, which also happens to be hard to do right now. I just pray that the relationship of the first two years and continue, and this last month is just a bleep in the radar.
8. Today is a super-hard day, harder than any of the others have been so far. It hurts to be left out, and it hurts to be disregarded. And it hurts when there seems to be intention behind the hurt.
9. There are two people who will be giddy with excitement to read this post, who will love that I am hurting, that things are not right. Who will be praying that things will continue to be terrible for me, and that I will leave. Is it too big a request to ask God to silence them? To ask Him to have them grow up, to ask Him to find something else to worry about, and to leave us alone? Without these two, and one especially, probably 98% of our problems wouldn't even exist. So, I guess just pray for that whole situation, if you will.
10. Pray that I can smile today, and that I can breathe today, and that I can remember that there are better tomorrows to come.
11. Thank you. :)